The Monty Skyrim Chronicles
by Little Kage
Summary: Pontius, Brian, King Arthur, Biggus Dickus, the centurions and the Knights Who Say Ni suddenly find themselves in the cold land of Skyrim. They do all kinds of stuff and meet all kinds of people. Comedy rated T.
1. Chapter 1

"Always look on the briiiiiight siiide of life!" the centurion sang cheerily, whistling after each line.

"Always look on the briiiiiight siiide of life!" he sang again.

"Make him stop that widiculous singing!" another man said. He was dressed in silks, with a crown of olive leaves on his head, which was covered in short grey hair. It was Pontius, ruler of the romans and the jews and Jerusalem and everything else.

"I think he's quite skilled!" a third man said. He was Arthur, rightful king of England. Arthur was dressed in shimmering chainmail, a linen jerkin with his emblem embrodiered and a rusty golden crown on his head.

Aside from these three, there were four more centurions, a man dressed in peasants clothes named Brian, ten weirdly dressed persons calling themselves the Knights who say Ni, and a muscular roman hero called Biggus Dickus. They were wandering in a large forest of pine trees, without any particular goal. Somehow, they had all just appeared here together, and they didn't really care that much about it.

"No he's not. A weal sicko, that Kwickus!" Pontius said. The singing and whistling centurion was Krickus the Whistler, a man of few brain cells and almost unlimited lung space.

"How did we end up here in the first place?" Brian asked.

"I don't know. Although I suspect God had something to do with it." King Arthur said."Seems like him, just randomly sending people everywhere and. Who knows, we could have appeared anywhere!"

"Is there no way to return to Jerusalem?" Biggus said. "I was just about to visit my wife, Incontinentia Buttocks."

The centurions could barely hold their laughter. They snorted, but managed somehow to not laugh, and carried on walking, passing several dragon skeletons.

"You know, she has such an amazing body. The other day, I was fondling her magnificent breasts, and then, she just suddenly.."

"Shrubbery!" A Knight who says Ni said. The other nine knights began dancing and chanting "Shrubbery! Shrubbery!"

"Look at all these skeletons!" Brian exclamed when he laid eyes upon the magnificent but dead beasts.

"Dragons." Biggus said grimly. "What is this place?!"

"Wubbish." Pontus said, frowning. "There is no such thing as dwagons, Biggus. These awe pwobably just eagles."

The centurions snorted again.

"Hit him, Biggus, and woughly!" Pontius shouted. Biggus approached Krickus and gave him a hard punch on the nose. The whistling centurion fell to the cold and snowy ground. Biggus proceeded with kicking him hard in the groin.

"What are you lying thewe fow?" Pontius asked the coughing soldier. "Get up, midget, we need to move on, if we awe to find somewhewe to sleep."

Then they passed a really tall pine, old and thick. It was very mighty indeed. If it was one thing that was impressive in this cold place, it was the pine trees.

"You shall cut down this tree," The leader of the Knights who say Ni said to Brian, "with a fish!"

"With a fiiish!" The other nine chanted.

"Bwian!?" Pontius said. "Weally? He is vewy weak and not vewy good at anything at all. Let me try instead!"

The grey-haired man took the salmon from the Knights Who Say Ni, and approached the tree.

"Vewy well," he began. "Begone, twee!"

With those powerful words, he began slapping the tree with the fish. The centurions sighed at his bravery.

"Let's just leave him here," Brian said. "He´ll never cut down that tree with a salmon."

"Do you think he could cut it down with an axe?" Arthur asked.

"Not in a million years."

"BLASPHEMY!" Biggus Dickus shouted. "MY EMPEROR, MY EMPEROR, THEY HAVE DISGRACED YOU!"

Biggus jumped forward and punched King Arthur.

"Aargh!" the king answered the attack with a violent smack on Biggus arse. The other people, except Pontus gathered around to watch the fight. The grey-haired man was putting extreme effort into whacking what was left of the salmon to the tree.

"Kill him, Biggus!" The centurions shouted.

"Dismember him, Arthur!" Brian shouted, not very enthusiastically.

Just then, a large crash could be heard. Everyone stood still, Biggus and Arthur stopped fighting, the Knights who said Ni stopped dancing. All that could be heard was Krickus whistling. Eventually, he too, stopped and saw what had happened. The extremely tall pine had crashed to the ground, barely three metres from the group of people. Pontius sighed and wiped some sweat from his brow.

"Couldn't you at least have pwovided me with something bettew than a lizawd?" he said and threw away the bony remains of the fish.

"That is a fish." Arthur confirmed.

"No it's not." Pontius said stubbornly.

"Yes it is."

"No it's not!"

"Yes it is."

"No it's not!"

"Yes it is." Arthur sighed.

"No it's not." Pontius said.

"No it's not." Arthur said.

"Yes it is!" Pontius shouted.

"No it is not!"

"Ha!" Pontius shouted. "I twicked you, stupid wannabe king! Now you must accept that this salmon is indeed a lizawd!"

"No, I tricked you, Pontius."

"I twicked you fiwst!"

"Shut up and get in line." Brian said. "If we're ever going to find a town, at least stop fighting about a fish."

"Lizawd!" Pontius shouted.

"Fish." Brian corrected him.

"No, it's a lizawd! Hit him, Biggus, and woughly!" Pontius said and clapped his hands together, with a goofy smile on his face. Biggus Dickus grabbed Brian by the collar and was just about to punch him.

"Waaaait!" Brian shouted. "If I accept that it is a lizard, will you then tell him me go?"

"If you say it is a lizawd, then I will tell Biggus Dickus to stop violating you."

"Lizard. Not lizawd," Brian laughed.

"Yes, lizawd. Stop violating him, Biggus Dickus."

Biggus reluctantly let go of Brian, who quickly hid behind Arthur.

"Lizard, yes." He said, poking his head up,

"Lizawd, yes."

"Lizard." Brian smiled.

"Lizawd. You awe so wight, Bwian!"

"Lizard."

"Lizawd."

"Salmon."

"Salmon." Pontius said goofily.

"Salmon!" Brian confirmed. "Let's go then!"

They continued fighting about the fish, and walked through the forest at the same time. The Knights who say Ni were jumping around crazily, bowing to bushes and hugging trees. The centurions were complaining about Krickus the whistler whistling all the time. Arthur and Biggus were talking about the land they had just appeared in, completely forgetting about their previous fight.

And so the party of goofs, centurions, kings and emperors, peasants mistaken for messiahses, Knights who says Nis and Biggus Dickuses continued their wandering, and eventually reached a town, where they found food and rest, in the harsh land of Skyrim.


	2. Pontius Experiences in Falkreath

_Pontius Pilates experiences in Falkreath_

It was a perfect day. Dark clouds shrouded the sky over the insanely cold town of Falkreath. Rain poured down like God had not pissed for ten years. Crows shrieked in the stormy winds and lonesome wolves howled in the distance.

Pontius the Roman wandered slowly down the main road cutting through Falkreath like a sword splitting a juicy kidney. He rounded a corner and found the Inn, Dead Mans Drink.

"What a cheewful town this is!" Pontius mumbled to himself as he kicked open the door to the gloomy inn.

The hall was warm and comfortable, with a large fireplace in the middle and tables lining the wall. Doors were also lining the wall, and soon Pontius understood that they must lead to the rooms available for tired travellers, just like himself. The others had made camp a distance from the town, but they had all agreed that later they would go and explore the town and see if there was any chance that anyone knew anything about how they had just appeared in this unhospitable country.

A weird cat-man met Pontius as he sat by the bar. He had fur covering what was visible of his body; face and hands. The rest of his body was covered by a dark orange linen garb and his head was protected by a yellow hood. He had long whiskers shooting out from his cheeks like tentacles from a scorpion.

"Hello, friend." He said in a wheezy and quite rough voice. "I am M'aiq. Who might you be?"

"I am Pontius Pilates, empewow of the Womans and Jewusalem and the Jews and evewything else." Pontius smiled widely.

"An..Emperor?" M'aiq said with a surprised tone in his voice. "Who are you here with?"

"Oh, just a few fellows, King Awthuw, Bwian, Biggus Dickus.."

"Why is he called that?" the Cat-man said and handed Pontius a drink.

"No idea. But I guess it has something to do with his genitalia." Pontius drank everything in a large gulp and when the strong liquid hit his throat, he coughed wildly.

"Take it easy." M'aiq patted him on the back. "If you aren't used to strong drinks, you'd better be more careful with that."

"Yes, suwely." Pontius said. "I'm used to the Woman cwap they call wine."

"Tell me, friend, what kind of emperor are you?" M'aiq asked.

"Empewow of the Womans, Jewusalem, the Jews and evewything else." Pontius repeated.

"A powerful one?"

"Vewy powewful!" Pontius said. "I have lot's of contacts, too! If there's someone I don't like, I just thwow them to the hounds in the pit!"

"Can I ask you to throw a certain man in the pit?"

"Yes, yes! But then we'd have to journey back to Wome, to my magnificent palace, cat-man."

"Where is Wome? Never heard of it."

"No, Wome. It's close to Wussia and a lot of othew countwies, weally."

"Wussia?" M'aiq asked, puzzled.

"No, Wussia. Have you evew been in Wome?"

"No. I didn't know it existed!"

"Weally? Well, you must have had a weally bad teachew, cat-man."

"I didn't. Have one, I mean."

"Oh, I can fix that easily! Come to Wome sometime and I shall grant you a vewy fine teachew!"

"I like it, my lord!" M'aiq purred. He poured up another mug of ale and gave it to Pontius. "How about you and I take a stroll in the woods, friend?"

"No, I'm hetewosexual." Pontius said and took a swallow of the cup.

"What?" M'aiq asked.

"He-te-wo-sexual!"

"But..I..didn't.."

"It seems like the answew suwpwised you. Tell me, my fuwwy fwiend, do you often meet homosexual emperors of Wome?" Pontius asked M'aiq, who had no idea what the goofy man was talking about.

"No...I..I.."

"Let me tell you something, cat-man." Pontius emptied the cup, choked violently on the liquid but managed to survive, bent forward and said; "You'we a smawt man, M'aiq. How about you join my band of twavellews?"

"My lord..!" M'aiq gasped. A small tear glistened in his left eye.

"Oh, don't cwy. You don't have to if you don't wan't to. It's allwight, I didn't like you that much, cat-man." Pontius stood up and began walking away from the bar and the cat-man, who was just sitting there with his mouth open.

"Wait! I didn't mean to.."

"Beg youw pawdon?" Pontius turned around and faced M'aiq.

"I could surely join you, if you would like that, emperor!" M'aiq had suddenly got a greedy hint in his eyes.

"Please don't feel like you have to. I would not want that, fwiend! Goodbye!"

With those words, Pontius left the Dead Mans Drink and continued his journey through Falkreath.


End file.
